I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
