honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
