my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
being pregnant is like rehab
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
