i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
