Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
