Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
