He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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