got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
