70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
