I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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