I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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