Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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