theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
