I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Your penis caused this!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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