Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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