I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
