Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
