its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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