I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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