he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
