Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
