everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
