Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
