He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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