There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
