Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
