does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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