If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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