Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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