I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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