I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
it's great music for shaving your balls
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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