Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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