were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
