i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
