I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
