Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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