We're facebook friends in real life
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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