you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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