smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
