I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
