Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
