Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
