I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
