lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
