i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
