These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
