Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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