Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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