Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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