there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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