My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
