my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
