Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
NoShamevember. You game?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
