five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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