You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
