I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
