ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
