hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
